i'm giving up. i want it to be over. i don't expect any miracle anymore. the swelling and the fevers just get me down... and then i'd just like to go. to sleep and die. i'm just tired. i woke up this morning. i was really frightened. i was saying, dear God, dear God, what i'm going to do? dear God, dear God, doesn't answer... if there was a way i could end it now, i would do that.
(an account of pain by a young man dying of aids)
there was no peace to be found. i had done all i could and was still sinking. i sat many hours seeking answers and there was a silent wind and no answers. the answers was clear. die. i didn't sleep. the dreams were reality and reality dreams. my will to survive and succeed had been crushed and defeated. i was like a general alone on a battlefield being encroached upon by my enemy and its hordes: fear, hate, self-depreciation, desolation. i felt i had to have the upper hand, to control my destiny, so i thought to die rather than surrender. destiny and reality began to merge. those around me where as shadows, bare apparitions, but i was not actually conscious of them, only aware of my self and my plight. death swallowed me long before i pulled the trigger. i was locked within myself. the world through my eyes seemed to die with me. it was like i was to push the final button to end this world. i committed myself to the arms of death. there comes a time when all things cease to shine, when the rays of hope are lost. i placed the gun to my head.
(suicide note of Castro Reyes)
mereka adalah saya. saya ada dalam diri mereka. begitu dekat. been there...
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